Maybe it’s because I haven’t got a good night’s sleep in 7 months. Maybe it’s because we’re all sick right now. Maybe it’s because Logan cries SO much of the time (and everyone told me colick would end at 6 months, boo). Maybe it’s because I’ve had some major health problems with my thyroid on top of everything. Maybe it’s because they’re still changing my thyroid meds every 4 weeks and they say it just takes time to adjust (just be patient, and what turn into a complete nut in the meantime?). Maybe it’s because I still feel like I’m isolated so much of the time here. Maybe it’s because I still haven’t found anybody out here that I REALLY relate to and rely on. Maybe it’s because we’re still considered “new” in our ward but we’ve been here over a year. Maybe it’s the stress of my new calling in the Relief Society. Maybe it’s because I just feel really misunderstood most of the time. Maybe it’s just my health problems mixed with stress and post-par tum depression.
I think I go over these “maybe its’ because” statements in my head at least a few times a day.
I guess it really doesn’t matter what causes it but it’s a fact that I’m depressed and anxious. I don’t need anybody telling me it will be ok, I don’t need anybody telling me to look for the positive or valuable lessons I’ve learned from this experience, or to have more faith. I’m doing all of those things. I just need to be heard and accepted for what I’m going through.
I wasn’t always this way. I guess that’s why I feel so comfortable being open about what I’m really going through. People know me as a positive, happy person generally speaking. But the past five years, I really haven’t been that person most of the time.
Oh and I’m getting help. I see lots of doctors, ALL the time.
I just want people out there to know that I RELATE to them. I’m more real than I’ve ever been. That’s all.
To end on something positive (it’s just in my nature to do this), I know it will get better, I really do. But for now this really stinks 😦