“Well I was sitting, waiting, wishing…”

It’s been a little while since I’ve really talked about what’s going on.  Like really opened up and talked on this good old blog.

Today is one of those days that my mind is spinning with ideas and thoughts and I just can’t put off posting on here any longer yet I’m still trying to organize those thoughts even as I’m writing now.

So here I sit on the couch, the laundry, clean (yes I feel proud of myself that at least it’s clean) sits in a pile, a HUGE pile, on the other couch. There’s a couple dirty diapers that need to be taken outside upstairs.  The kitchen is pretty cluttered.  I don’t really feel compelled to clean any of it up or even guilty that I’m doing this instead.  I’m feeling inspired, happier than I’ve been in a while yet bothered and a little self conscious at the same time.

I think it’s the fact that I’m bothered and self consciousness that is motivating me the most right now, sad to me, but true.  I’ll try and keep this insightful and not just a “vent fest”.

When I decided to start this blog I knew there would be mixed reactions from people. I hoped that most of them would be positive reactions and at the same time I tried to prepare myself for the maybe not so good ones.

Well I’m happy to report that for the first little while the response was EXTREMELY positive.  I received e-mails and texts almost daily (most decided not to post a “comment” for personal reasons) about how people were grateful for my openness.  They told me that I described exactly what they went through or are currently experiencing.  This was definitely fuel for me to keep posting.

And then there were a few nosy people that I’ve maybe said three words to in my life that called or talked to me “out of concern”, so they said

well meaning person: “are you ok Sarah?”

me: “ya, I am.  I’ve been through hell, but yes I’m doing better.”

well meaning person: “I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that, I think you’re lying.”

me: (inside I’m thinking ok I don’t even know you…)  “Oh well I don’t know how to convince you that I’m not lying.  I feel like I’ve been pretty OPEN and CLEAR on my blog about the fact that I’m getting PROFESSIONAL help.  No this blog is not my means of therapy.  No I’m not trying to be a therapist to anyone else.  No I’m not an incapable mother.  No I don’t just cry all the time.  No I don’t just shut myself up in my house and do nothing. (and more and more explaining…)

After a couple of conversations like that I was seriously considering ending this blog all together. I felt so courageous and proud of myself for opening up.  It has not been easy to do!  However I felt that if I could have given myself the advice and education that I have now FIVE years ago when this all started for me, it would have been so reassuring and comforting!!  After having my baby post-partum depression broadsided me I was desperate to find a mom, someone that had experienced it!  What the crap was happening to me and would it ever end?  As soon as things started getting better for me I wanted to give people that same glimpse of hope that things can and will get better!

So……..I did a bunch of thinking and I guess even if it means people treating me like I’m crazy, or that if I’m happy then I must be faking it, I think I still want to continue to do this.

A WORD TO THE WISE:  If a depressed person is acting happy, then they probably are in the moment!  Don’t always do that “turn your head to the side thing” and say “are you ok?” EVERYTIME you see them.  Treat them like the are normal.  Trust them when they tell you how they are feeling.  And if they don’t open up and tell you about everything, then DON’T worry about it!  MOST of the time, people that deal with depression turn to those that have been through it or those whom they are closest to.  They turn to those that can fill their needs, fill the void.  If you aren’t close with them then don’t dive right in and ask them about it, it’s none of your business if they don’t bring it up themselves.  It’s a sensitive subject.  The only time you should “worry” about a depressed person is if you don’t feel like they have a good support network and they may harm themselves.  If they have no family and no friends. Then you can step in and ask them about it.

BUT MOST OF THE TIME depressed people just need to be treated normally.  You shouldn’t make them feel like they have to explain everything just so “you know what’s going on” and can talk about it with other people or to satisfy your own curiosity.

I WANT TO MAKE IT VERY CLEAR TO MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WHO ARE READING THIS, DON’T WORRY I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU! I appreciate all of your love and support and prayers.  The people I’m talking about in this post probably won’t even read this since I barely know them anyways…