My title comes from a Bob Marley favorite of mine. Ok so I’m a bit of a hippie.
Tonight, my yoga teacher had it on her playlist. As we went through the different poses, I continued to sing it in my head even as other music was playing.
I drove home, pulled in the driveway, gave my husband a hug for forcing me to go to yoga tonight and then sat down here to look up the meaning of the song. This was the first answer that came up from my google search.
“he is tellin women not to cry. No women dont cry.”
Umm, okay? I’ll spare you the other “deep” interpretations and tell you what I got out of it tonight as I tried to balance in tree pose.
Tonight my thoughts drifted through the events of the day, things I need to do tomorrow and things I need to do better. After going through all of those thoughts my mind began to go a bit deeper. Tonight as Bob Marley sang “No woman no cry” I just about starting crying.
Things have been really good lately. I feel like for the first time in a year I am in a good place, a really really good place. Our family life has been functional and normal. My marriage is good, I’m settling into being a mom and I like where we live. I have a great support system. I have good friends. I have a wonderful family. I have an understanding and loving husband. I have a good team of doctors. I feel hopeful. So why the cry?
I wonder sometimes how long it will last. I think about the possibility of crashing again into a deep depression and I feel extreme anxiety. I feel like as long as things can stay just the way they are now I’ll be ok. But take away my medications, therapy and the routine we’ve established and I’m afraid I’ll crumble.
As I listened to Bob Marley calmly hum his song in a peaceful voice, I felt that fear, the one I just mentioned surface in my mind. I let my mind explore it and asked myself what if? What if I feel myself start to go down again? What if things change and we move and I deal with post-partum every time we have a baby?
No woman no cry. I don’t need to cry. If the worst case senario happens I’ve got people in my corner to back me up. I’ve got doctors that know what they’re doing and I can call them up anytime. I’m open with my friends and family about my struggles and don’t feel embarrassed going to them. My husband is on my side and stuck it out with me when I was at my worst. I have faith in God in directing me to the best possible resources that there are.
I reached the bottom and I came back up. The most important part is that it humbled me enough to realize that having faith to get over this meant finding the angels on earth that could be God’s hands in helping me battle my depression. It didn’t mean having an attitude change or praying fervent enough and serving enough that my depression would be healed. It meant asking in faith for direction, recognizing my depression as a disease, just like any other disease and realizing that just like cancer, I needed the help of others to get better. People with cancer don’t say a prayer of “bless it to go away”. They pray for help to find the best treatments and that the chemo will work properly. Establishing a good support system has been vital in reducing the fear of the ups and downs of depression. Knowing that I won’t have to go through it again feeling completely isolated and misunderstood is SO reassuring.
There’s hope. I’m going to bed and I don’t feel like crying. I feel like as Bob Marley says “everything’s going to be alright”.