What can I say, I’m human!

If I had to pick my least favorite chores they would be:  Dusting, folding laundry, and picking up random pieces of food off the floor.  It’s funny looking back through past posts and seeing how inspiration came when I was doing the chores I like the least.  hmmm I wonder why?   It’s a way of meditating I guess?  I don’t really know.  I started this post in my head as I tried to pick dried cheese off of the rug.

It requires a lot of patience to take care of a home.  I find it particularly frustrating to finish cleaning everything up; dishes, laundry, garbage, high chair, toys, knowing that in t minus 8 hours it will be all undone and I’ll have to do it all over again.  The same thing over and over again.  Dealing with depression or not dealing with depression, this can be a depressing thought.  It can seem so mundane can’t it?  And the weather certainly isn’t helping at all is it!  Ok so you’re probably thinking, STOP whining already!  Well if you’re looking for some landmark positive statement this won’t be it.

I didn’t do so well today.  On a scale from 1-10 on being proactive about treating depression, I’d give myself a 1.2.   I went to bed super late last night, woke up tired, didn’t get ready for the day, and ate crappy all day long.  Ya remember my goolosh smoothie idea from my last post?  Scrap that today.  I ate lots of hershey’s hard shell easter chocolate eggs, a snickers, and some other junk.  I just felt like sleeping all day.  It seems I’m in a bit of a slump.  So why am I writing today?  To let you know that it’s ok to have down days!  You can have a day where you’re lazy and grumpy and off once in a while.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.

I remember one time in therapy telling my therapist how frustrated I was with myself.  I had felt like I was right on track for a month.  However, just few days prior to coming to therapy, I woke up and just couldn’t get out of bed.  I just laid there and cried and cried and just wanted to sleep and cry. ” I’ve taken 10 steps backwards!” I said.  “I can’t believe I let myself do that, I mean I had been doing so good!” I started to cry.  My therapist then said,”So what you’re saying is that unless you are productive and happy everyday you’re not on track?  That’s just not realistic.  Depression or not we all should allow ourselves at least 2-3 days a month to be off the hook.  It’s just as important to be un-productive as it is productive and allow yourself those times.  Nobody can or should expect 100% productivity everyday”.  At first I resisted the idea.  Why can’t I?  Why can’t I have the high expectation of being 100% productive 100% of the time?

Well here I am tonight writing and I’ve decided that my therapist was right.  Accepting that it’s ok to have 2-3 (or whatever # feels right for you for your situation) off days can make dealing with the off days a lot easier.  Why?  Well for example after a day like today I can go to sleep and say, “that’s ok, I’m allowed a down day, I do a great job most days and I’m normal.  This is normal”.  And I actually feel that that statement is true!  Before I thought that a statement like that might just be a way to encourage more off days.  But right now I don’t feel that way.  I feel calm.  I’m not freaking out at myself for being negative and unproductive today.  Saying that helps me realize that it really is ok.

Please don’t misunderstand this as saying that you can just lay in bed everyday and try and convince yourself that you need it.  That really doesn’t help, I’ve tried that before.  You decide what is best for you and what you feel is honestly going to help you.   I know that “allowing” myself a couple of down days has made them a bit easier to deal with in a way, maybe because I’m not beating myself up inside all daywhen they come?  I’m not sure, but I think that’s partly why.

Now I’m not just saying this to reassure myself (although this post may seem like that) but I really do feel that tomorrow will be better.  There you go, a positive statement.  I’m human what can I say 🙂

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