It’s been a while. Trust me, that’s a good thing. I’m in a much better place now. A safe place.
However, I have been feeling bad about neglecting this blog.
When I started writing nine months ago, things would just flow and come naturally. It was therapeutic to write and put into words the darkness I was going through. As I’ve been feeling better day by day, I’ve felt less and less the desire to write. I’d sit down and realize that I didn’t want to conjure up old memories for the sake of trying to relate to my depressed self anymore.
The last year seems like a dream to me sometimes, nightmare is actually a better word for it. It feels like another life, a life that I learned so much from but hope I never have to go back to, at least not to the extent that I did. I understand that this will most likely be a life-long battle, but have the hope that with the help of doctors and family never will it get as bad as it did before.
I thought about trying to move this blog in a more positive direction as I, myself was feeling better, however, of all the five posts I’ve been working on in the past, oh let me think… 3 months maybe, each one of them felt forced as I wrote them. It just feels like for now I need to give it a rest, I need to stop thinking all the time, ” I need to blog, I should blog tonight”.
I just need to give it a break for now. It’s my body’s way of coping. Trying to move on and leave the hurt behind.
I don’t want any readers to feel like I’m sending the message of, “Oh, I’m happy now, so forget trying to relate to someone with depression, I’ve got it all figured out so I’m moving on.” I hope that if you find yourself grappling with the darkness of depression that you can read back on my posts and find hope and understanding.
As for me, I haven’t left it all behind. I understand so much more than I used to. I think about my experiences daily. My compassion for those that struggle with depression and any other emotional instability will remain the same, I will always be there to listen and talk about it. It isn’t a topic that is easy to bring up. It isn’t a topic that you can casually mention and hope someone will listen. Finding that one person that understands is priceless! It’s so healing! I can remember each one of the people that was willing to be open about their struggle with me. Each one of them was an answer to a desperate cry for help! It was so comforting to know that, oh my gosh, I’m not crazy! Someone has felt the way I have!
I know it’s not over yet. I still have to do a lot to maintain where I’m at. I’m so grateful for the people that have helped me heal. Mainly, my husband, my doctors and my Heavenly Father. My husband has (and is) so understanding through all of the ups and downs. He himself has experienced a great deal of pain because of what I have dealt with. As I’ve started to come out of this depression, I’ve fallen in love with him all over again. My heart is so touched every time I think about how he treated me at my worst and how he really did take care of me. I have been so blessed to have found him! For those that live with a loved one with a mental illness, you are a hero. You are fighting one of life’s greatest battles. I know you often feel confused and helpless. Sometime you feel like there has been so much progress made, only to be sent 20 steps backwards in just a short meltdown. God has made you an angel on earth to your loved one.
God has been really kind to me. I have asked why so much. I have doubted and been angry with him. I would pray sometimes and just be angry, yet I never felt shunned for that. In fact, I felt compelled to let it all out and let the Savior take it away. I didn’t know that at the time, but looking back, I certainly do. Has my faith been shaken? Yes, more than it ever has before. Do I still have faith? Yes. I trust God. I believe in Christ. I’m still working on understanding pain and suffering. I have a new understanding of Christ’s teachings to “Mourn with those that mourn”. I can’t explain how important that principle has become to me.
Even though most of the time you might now feel like you can’t feel God’s love because of the dullness that comes with depression, you can trust that he does because of what you’ve felt in the past. You can observe it today in children, in nature and any other beautiful thing on earth.
YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO GOD AND TO THOSE AROUND YOU.
Be diligent in getting help and the light will come.
It did for me.